Things Poetic

 Counselling Thoughts Say hello, smile, sit down <my brain is flying about not sticking on any subject…why am I smiling ?  > So how am I doing ? <should i say what chaos is going on in my head. How I actually feel ?> I am ok. Tired. Not sleeping well. But worked good and the holiday break was lovely <Im barely hanging on, drinking like a fish, falling asleep on the sofa> Is there anything worrying me ? <i cant stand my voice so can imagine how irritating it sound to the counsellor. I worry about dying alone. I worry about how my children are doing> What do you think you should be doing to help focus ? <sleep, have less stress, not have my insides ripped out every day from stress and gluten> Do you want to book another session <of course I don’t, but i feel stressed about stopping this monthly chinwag > Well, bye then. Will see you in 4 weeks <at least that means i plan to be here then…> Toodle pip

 Peace Sit, calm, try and still the mind Listen to the birds, chirping, walking on the roof Breathe slowly in,  Hold Slowly out again Listen, Say nothing Eyes closed Feel Breathe in Hold Out

 Somewhat diminished Thoughts of something immense, towering over everything, looking West, east, no ending Or beginning Thoughts of exaltation Turn into despair Nothing left, little hoped for, less achieved Diminished, lost, inescapably nothing Wake and hope for more

 Anonymity Steering wheel tells tyres are good Listening, always, for something out of normal Songs reel through, searching, jumping - thumb flipping on forward - then… Volume up,  Thumbs start to tap, head bobs, feet tap Oops…not on the accelerator… Start to sing, loud, tuneless but tuneful inside Hand pumps in the air Car doors thump to the beat of the favorite sound Until it finishes, and Im back…and notice the stares from nearby drivers Smiles, laughter, frowns, ‘tut tut’ No longer anonymous

 Spooks contd “Sit down, relax, and talk through what concerns you” The counsellor says, through uncomplicated thought “How people I trusted destroyed me, my world, my trusting, my mind” Well, that’s unfortunate.  Do you want to talk about it ? “No” i said ”I just want you to fuck off and talk to someone who cares that fairness is something” So the counsellor fucked off The end

Betrayal Trusting them, believing that they were there That I didn’t need to worry about them Blindly wandered into chaos Spying ? On me and my mate ? But they’re friends and girlfriends !! Once it was 1 in 10 working for the SP  Then it was closer to 1 in 5 had  5 spooks  Unaccountably Knowing  Hearing excuses when asked Betrayal