Things Poetic

 It’s all about the A Accept all that someone says and ask about absolutely everything,  assume sophistry and lies Always And act accordingly And not be surprised when your assumption is proven true A liar will only admit after being confronted with the lie And only that which they’ve been caught about Anything else also not fully true ? Also lie again until also caught  It’s wearisome to know that someone is lying but have to prove it, even if they claim to be close to you  Already another attempt starts, And good nature wants to accept it as true Despite it all agin

 Counselling Thoughts Say hello, smile, sit down <my brain is flying about not sticking on any subject…why am I smiling ?  > So how am I doing ? <should i say what chaos is going on in my head. How I actually feel ?> I am ok. Tired. Not sleeping well. But worked good and the holiday break was lovely <Im barely hanging on, drinking like a fish, falling asleep on the sofa> Is there anything worrying me ? <i cant stand my voice so can imagine how irritating it sound to the counsellor. I worry about dying alone. I worry about how my children are doing> What do you think you should be doing to help focus ? <sleep, have less stress, not have my insides ripped out every day from stress and gluten> Do you want to book another session <of course I don’t, but i feel stressed about stopping this monthly chinwag > Well, bye then. Will see you in 4 weeks <at least that means i plan to be here then…> Toodle pip

 Peace Sit, calm, try and still the mind Listen to the birds, chirping, walking on the roof Breathe slowly in,  Hold Slowly out again Listen, Say nothing Eyes closed Feel Breathe in Hold Out

 Somewhat diminished Thoughts of something immense, towering over everything, looking West, east, no ending Or beginning Thoughts of exaltation Turn into despair Nothing left, little hoped for, less achieved Diminished, lost, inescapably nothing Wake and hope for more

 Anonymity Steering wheel tells tyres are good Listening, always, for something out of normal Songs reel through, searching, jumping - thumb flipping on forward - then… Volume up,  Thumbs start to tap, head bobs, feet tap Oops…not on the accelerator… Start to sing, loud, tuneless but tuneful inside Hand pumps in the air Car doors thump to the beat of the favorite sound Until it finishes, and Im back…and notice the stares from nearby drivers Smiles, laughter, frowns, ‘tut tut’ No longer anonymous

 Spooks contd “Sit down, relax, and talk through what concerns you” The counsellor says, through uncomplicated thought “How people I trusted destroyed me, my world, my trusting, my mind” Well, that’s unfortunate.  Do you want to talk about it ? “No” i said ”I just want you to fuck off and talk to someone who cares that fairness is something” So the counsellor fucked off The end

Betrayal Trusting them, believing that they were there That I didn’t need to worry about them Blindly wandered into chaos Spying ? On me and my mate ? But they’re friends and girlfriends !! Once it was 1 in 10 working for the SP  Then it was closer to 1 in 5 had  5 spooks  Unaccountably Knowing  Hearing excuses when asked Betrayal

 Untidily Waiting, sitting, reading, walking, panicking The trials of getting back after a relaxing holiday,  Confident, on booking, that everything would be smooth Realisation hits It’s not So far The countryside is now flying past  Aren’t TGV trains amazing ? Missed 2 trains so far after the sleeper was 1.5 hours late Fate, was that ?  I hesitate in that debate Ascribing an accident of timing to good or bad luck ? Is that reasonable, real, logical, fair Are they out to get me The TGV I was on had a technical issue so this is the second today The roaring of the engine pulls me forward,  Potential of getting the Eurostar 30 mins before it leaves ?  Doubtful

 Beating Sun Heat shimmers on the rocky pavement, worn and shaped from the years Shutters move slowly in the wind, fanning those behind with cool draughts of air The birds sounds drowned out by the cars and scooters, as they busily rush about  Looking to finish their job so they can do the next one Voices and shouts in Italian, French, English and others interrupt the calm in between the noises The journey here took a day and it was long,  But was it worth it ? Completely so The calmness settles my soul, as I wait for the train back Whistles, then the creak as the train carriages are pulled from their slumber and off To a new adventure

Age Aging gracefully,  Unlikely so, more disgracefully, but Trying to reach the levels my mind desires, but my body And muscles cannot seem to That twinge that would disappear with a warm down now has hobbled my leg The hill that was easy to run up is now Everest on my lungs, But I remain intending to travel, work, love And not slow down Till I’m put into a box of reeds and placed near her

 If i die Will anyone notice In my darkest moments i hope so Would it be a 3 month wait with “the neighbors hadn’t seen me for a while” And I’m found face down between the sink and the sofa Glass in hand…or on the floor by that stage No one turned up So one noticed No one

Dreams Disturbed by dreams, waking in a sweat Ex wife appears out of the air, proceeds to make herself at home Apparently pregnant Wouldn’t be mine, having not been near for 6 years Not in a dream, no sensible thing in a dream Instead of walking to the door, I fly or float  Not walk Confusion reigns Bedding, rocking horses, baby clothes lie about,  Sky is awash with colour, sparkly with stars whilst the rainbows reflecting the sun remain Some weird fantasy world, Waking is very welcome 

 Are the youth lost I sat in a roof bar, terrace, open space After a relaxing evening at an organic gluten free pizza place for dinner So i feel doubly awesome And then as i tried to switch off with a glass of wine Had to listen to a bunch of 16 year olds (yes they were all talking to each other (not to me).about their ages and classes in Australia I initially thought they were being supportive of one of them because of a poor breakup And then listened to 90 mins of them destroying the reputations off at least 6 of their so called school friends I know my daughters so called friends could be cunts but this lot Woe to the Australian future

 Next years Stretching minds, my mind…minds Reach for next years diary…already filling in spaces with inane things One thing to be proud of is my aim It’s a long time since there was one of them, To have on my kiln of stones at the end Rough undressed and pock marked…me on a good day…and the tarnished surface reflected Oh…… I saw a fairy and a pixie today at a Palace And that made me very happy

 Amazing Italy Arrive tired, journey long, sleep bad But hoping for something better, hoping and praying, not To some imaginary deity But to the Italian gods of amazing food, music, language Passion And wine And always Art  The smallest restaurant, with the incredible character in the walls, the textures The roof tiles Calls you back again and again To experience it again Yourself

 Enough of introspection “Enough” I say to the self-serving introspection, the self-delusion, the assumption that anyone owes me anything. The route to an ending of anything, nothing is fixed That way Owning my sanity, holding tight when dark Not losing it over silliness, something short of a six pack Lifting the mind, spreading its wings in the wind and oft’ times dragging the mind with Tell myself  Told myself that after a long evening, or another anniversary goes by I should refrain from  Self delusion or hitting back Accept the beating down Sleep dream wake Fight again

Nothingness You know the hardest thing in the world Exposing yourself And realising you’re worth absolutely nothing in the end Nothing Being vulnerable And finding its back in your face  Seek something Find nothing Expect even less And finding its that what is given is even less

 Tuesdays are for Travelling 'Beep beep' Thunderously interrupts my dreams, fighting goblins and cats, who won, I wondered Its Tuesday ....again Bags packed, again too much inside them Tickets bought, Why so expensive ? Taxi.....station....wait for that whooshing sound on the rails as the train approaches Stops, oops chime and into the next adventure please, please let me not sit next to a talker, or a big person...or anyone and off we go

 Eyes Hot chocolate and amber, swirling hypnotically heat, warmth -encompassing my soul my mind my spirit the opening to the soul always

 In the Eyes The first time I looked into her eyes,  cross face staring up at me, furrowed brow,  that newborn smell, in her hair and skin cuddling into my chest warmth and calm Beautiful blue, questioning so like anothers could be copies, so similar Hair like spun straw Feeling like home belonging  heart thrumming hummingbird like always